29.07.2023 Move on, move forward

Move on without moving on.

How?

There’s so much I would like to talk to you about, to share with you.

But you’re not available, and I don’t know when you will be again.

So I need to move on. I need to move forward without moving on.

I don’t want to move on, but I want and need to move forward.

How?

I don’t want to think about us in any specific way. That leads to theories. And the creation and sedimentation of those theories in my headspace doesn’t foster connection. But moving on also has the potential to lead to disconnection. And I want connection with you. More than I manage to admit most of the time. To others and to myself. It’s been quite a long time. Why don’t you text? But you’re still here, in my head, in my life. Even though we don’t talk. Why don’t you text? I don’t know what to think, to feel. But I know what I will do: be. Open, attentive, immediate, sincere, flawed. I will be me. And that me has had you (and thoughts about you) as a part of it for a while now. And I don’t know when or how that will change. I know that it will, because everything does. And when it comes to us, that does scare me a bit. I knew it from the start, and I even embrace it and see it as absolutely necessary for any relationship, for anything at all. It was never not going to change. And ultimately, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because I love life, all of life. But that doesn’t stop the sometimes present worrying, the longing, the theorizing.

Why you? Because it’s you. I love.

I make this too heavy. But I can’t help it right now, I need to express. To connect with myself in this moment. All I want is connection. To connect, I need to move forward, and I probably need to move on as well. But I’m scared, I’m unsure, I don’t know what I’m doing. Why don’t you text? I need to move forward with that. And maybe that will lead to me moving on, “getting over” you, maybe it won’t. I think it won’t, I think it will lead to connection. What kind I can’t know right now. But if I try to be me, I will try to connect. And I might not always succeed (especially not as planned), but I have faith: In my ability to connect, in my human being (= in my ability to fail). And I have faith in yours, too. Maybe they’ll meet again soon, and create and foster something new, maybe they won’t. Then we’ll still be fine, we’ll be alive, we’ll have the potential to connect and the aliveness to fulfill that potential. With whomever or whatever comes our way. Our way. Your way, that you made, by being you. My way, that I made, by being me. Our ways. That have been made, and are being made.

“The interesting thing about friendship is that it is — almost as much as love — an inexhaustible source of disappointment and outrage, thereby of fruitful surprises it would be madness to try to do without.”

• E. M. Cioran